August 20, 2024.
It's my son Rayan's first day of preschool.
He wakes up hours earlier than usual... But he is excited and happy with a BIG smile on his face.
I guess he doesn't know what he's signing up for...
In a couple of hours his freedom is going to go away FOREVER ha ha.
My wife and I are excited and proud of him on his first day as it's a big moment for the family... My son is finally ready to kick some butts, and I can't be more proud of him.
My wife is also relieved that she'd get a little break from him and some "me time"...
Because sometimes our cute, innocent, angelic 4-years old can be a real pain in the ass ha ha.
We are driving him to school, and suddenly, I'm having flashbacks of my first days of school.
Yeah... First DAYSSSS with four extra S's.
Because I changed schools like underpants...
Not once, twice, or thrice, but 4 times before I settled and found THE ONE ;)
The very first slap I ever received is playing in front of my eyes like a movie scene in an endless loop.
This slap was from a teacher I remembered and saw as the monster ma'am...
Tall.
Strong.
And manlier than most men I knew...
Her slap almost killed me.
Suddenly more scenes rush out of nowhere...
All the bullying I had to suffer every single week, month, and year of my school.
Other kids would pick on me as if there was something obviously weird about me that made me bully-worthy.
The irony is that my worst bully of all time in elementary and middle school shared my name—Waqas—and I started hating my OWN name.
I used to take the most delicious and sought-after lunch to school and offer it to bullies so I could get some respite from bullying.
It served as a preemptive defense mechanism that I learned early on in elementary school ;)
When I was in middle and high school, I always had this new deadly weapon in my pockets. I only had it for self-defense in case of a life-and-death situation...
The deadly weapon was red chili powder. Yes, no kidding...
Chili powder in my side pocket. Always.
My plan was to throw it into enemy eyes and flee the scene as fast as I could ha ha.
It now sounds funny, but it made me feel stronger and powerful... At least in my head since no one else knew about it.
On one particular day during my 10th-grade exams, I was this close to deploying this deadly weapon but glad I did not
...because the chili powder got so soggy after holding it in my palms for a long time that it would have spectacularly failed had I tried wielding it on bullies.
And I can't imagine the beating I would have received in response ha ha.
The worst byproduct of all that bullying was...
It transformed me into this timid, shy, and introverted person who I hated the most.
Eventually it became my identity and played a major part in causing immense social and speaking anxieties.
While these memories are rushing back, it's time to drop my son off to his school.
And all I'm worrying about is these what-ifs...
What if his school experience turns out to be the same as mine?
What if he attracts bullies like honey attracts bears?
What if school turns out to be a dangerous and unsafe place for him as it was for me?
What if...
But I have no other choice but to hope and pray for the best.
We drop him off at his classroom while tears well up in my eyes as if we're sending him off to the battlefield and all I am left with is
...this never-ending worry and a hell lot of what-ifs.
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Reader,
Did bullying ever play a part in causing your social and speaking anxieties?
Share by replying to this email, I'd love to hear.
Best,
Waqas - Head Speaking Anxiety Coach
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